[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I saw nothing
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume