[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
You Might Also Like
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Body by sandwich.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.