My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
File under excellent bookstore names.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”