My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
#have a #great #PancakeDay
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text