friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop