When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?