Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Godspeed, John Glenn
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do