i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.