date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: