FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My neck, my back, my…
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs