[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
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Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.