I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.