Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
God has left this place
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The Backseat Boys
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Yup!
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire