If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on