My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy