You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
You Might Also Like
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
she has a point
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox