We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
You Might Also Like
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened