Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE