Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
bout dat hot dog summer
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors