My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist