Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
spicy snake
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower