I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You Might Also Like
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
me, after any kind of buffet.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned