I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?