How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.