[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Best seat on the street 😍
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.