They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I wish all tests were things you peed on