Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’d hang this in my house.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
inside you are two wolves
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.