People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
If only
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
the saddest jazz hands ever
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this