A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
#damn
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.