[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
He wanted to make sure😂
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
At least try to make it slightly believable
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon