I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?