Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.