Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then