People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations