[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Here’s a meme
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information