*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Personal question. #JustSaying
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many