We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*Seductively hides in the woods
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I know
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.