Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
law suits: quality garments for lawyers