Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Well, this is awkward
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink