Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay