Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
You Might Also Like
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Auto correct is my worst enema.