On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Breaking news:
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
This kid is going places
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.