Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.