“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
selena gomez
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
How I like cutting carbs
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.