Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends