My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
no refunds
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night