Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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pep talk
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Cake!!