[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Just a bush.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”