Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant