The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered